


So now we live

by Zoadgo



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff ish, Resolving angst with smut, Smut, improper sparring techniques, no one died but they all got a little fucked up, not really but hey, quite likely poor characterization, self hating Jyn, spoilers?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 21:50:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9143593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoadgo/pseuds/Zoadgo
Summary: Jyn had thought that they were going to die, alone on that beach together. In that moment, there were no consequences. But now that they're not dead, she's face with the reality of what she is, and of what she does to others. For Cassian's safety, she has to stay away from him. Unfortunately, that seems to be harder than she'd thought it would be.





	

Jynn remembers the desperate hug on Scarif, remembers clinging to Cassian and knowing that they were going to die. In that moment, before the pain and whatever miracle lifted her from death into suffering, she was absurdly happy. Because they had won, and they had found each other. He needed her, in his holding her hand, and his grip strong on her back. It felt good to be needed, and to want him and be able to hold him. With death bearing down on them, there were no consequences, no reasons to hold back.

The end she’d been expecting never came, though. It continued to hound her for a long time, far too long, and she can never quite shake the feeling of it gnawing on her spine. A remarkable recovery, the doctors had all said, and the med bots had informed her in their weird way of comfort that she had beaten their probabilities. It had been agony, running from death, but every day she had gotten one step closer to actually being alive again.

When she had been unable to hold back tears from the pain and the helplessness of her situation, she had wanted Cassian, needed to feel the calluses of his hand holding her again. One day, she had even fallen low enough to ask for him, in a strangled voice warped by agony. 

“Captain Andor is unavailable.”

That was all the med bots would say, and she stopped asking them. She wouldn’t risk turning to a real person because without death consuming the horizon, there are consequences for wanting things, and for needing people they are always dire. She couldn’t impose that onto Cassian. For him to recover and to go on living, she couldn’t want him, couldn’t need him. 

She is a curse, she convinces herself as she slowly regains the ability to walk, and to breathe without pain. She is a curse, and if she cares about Cassian the way she knows she does, she has to avoid him.

Her recovery is gritted teeth, stern warnings from the med bots, and sedatives when she’s pushing herself to the point of more harm than good. She’d broken her spine, among ribs, fingers, toes, and a collarbone, which had been further damaged in her rescue. The Alliance had fixed her, of course, but to allow her spine to heal, her legs had begun to atrophy.

Her first steps had ended in a fall that had raised alarms from her personal army of med bots, and had returned her to enforced bedrest for three more days. After that, she had taken it as slow as she was able to stand, adding scant paces to her walks every day. A step away from her bed and back, then two steps, three. She could cross her room, and then walk into the hallway, and then a few steps down it.

She’s on one of her walks, five steps longer than the day before, when she reaches a room she hasn’t seen before. She doesn’t risk walking into it, but she takes one more step than she had planned in order to look in the window, med bot hovering cautiously behind her. She looks over her shoulder at it for a moment, and when it doesn’t warn her away, she turns back to the window. Wiithin the room, she sees more of them, and human doctors as well. All gathered around a tank of precious bacta, and within it-

“Cassian.” His name leaves her lips in a whisper, and she places her hand on the door, reaching towards him and pushing herself away all at once.

“Captain Andor is unavailable,” the med bot intones, and Jyn turns on it.

“What’s wrong with him?” She demands in an accusation, as if it were the med bot’s fault that Cassian is deeply wounded enough to need the Alliance’s precious supply of bacta.

“Captain Andor is unavailable.”

“I can see him.” Jyn gestures sharply to the room behind her, “There’s no point in keeping things from me any more.”

The med bot says nothing, no response triggered without a question or demand from her. Jyn sighs sharply and attempts to query it again. “Why is Captain Andor unavailable?”

“Captain Andor is-”

“Unavailable.” Jyn completes the phrase with the droid, and leans wearily against the door to Cassian’s room.

“Jyn Erso, your vitals indicate you should rest. Return to your recovery room is recommended.”

Jyn wants to snap at the bot. She wants to brush off its advice, storm into Cassian’s room, and demand they tell her what’s wrong with him. She wants to make them fix him, and she wants to be there when he wakes up, to help him through the pain she knows he’ll be facing. But she remembers what she is, remembers that he’s in there because of her. All of Rogue had been hurt because of her, because she had been too close, wanted too much. Jyn’s hand curls into a fist, and she pushes herself away from his door.

She returns to her bed, exhausted both physically and emotionally. The next day, Jynn walks her steps in the opposite direction of Cassian’s room.

-

“Jyn Erso, your presence has been requested.”

“The fuck…” Jun mumbles as she drags herself out of sleep unhappily to glare at the indifferent med bot. She looks at the display next to her bed and reads 0237 from the clock.

“Your presence has been requested,” the droid repeats.

“By who?” Jyn asks, her eyes narrowing with suspicion.

“Captain Cassian Andor.”

Something sickeningly bright and akin to hope flares within Jyn at that, and she resolutely crushes it. He’s asking for her - more than that, he’s awake - and Jyn can’t go to him. She needs him to stay away, no matter how much she wants to be with him. No matter how much it kills her to be away, she knows she couldn’t bear living in a world without him.

“Tell him I'm unavailable,” Jyn instructs the droid, which beeps softly.

“Message transmitted.”

With that, the droid’s lights fade back into its night time standby mode, and Jyn closes her eyes. She tries stubbornly for sleep again, desperately ignoring how much her legs itch to take a few more steps. Eventually sleep does come for her, and in it, she doesn’t need to push Cassian away. 

-

For days, Jyn informs the med bots that she’s unavailable when they inform her of Cassian’s requests. Each time, it cuts her deeper than any of her injuries had, but she keeps doing it. She knows it’s necessary, that she can’t have what she wants. She keeps taking her paces, walking further each day and feeling stronger. It’s a slow process, but eventually the med bots stop chirping reminders at her, and Jyn is discharged. 

She’s given a choice by a representative of the council: transit to any planet the Alliance is flying a mission to, and her subsequent departure from the rebellion, or she could join. Stick around, become a freedom fighter. It only takes a moment of consideration before she becomes Sergeant Jyn Erso, rank granted based on previous contributions to the cause, and is granted her own quarters and a schedule.

Jyn has never had a schedule before, hasn’t had a bed other than a jail cell to call her own for far too long. It’s so easy and comfortable that it feels wrong. Her schedule is training and continued rehabilitation, evaluation after evaluation, but it’s far lighter than she’d ever known work to be. She has time to herself in the evenings, set meals that she can eat all she wants at, and a generous time allotment for sleep. As she passes mental evaluations, she gains more free time, pending her passing physical tests.

Over the days, avoiding Cassian becomes almost second nature. There aren’t med bots constantly hovering, requesting her presence, and it’s far easier to avoid his room when it’s not just down the hall from her. Some days, she even finds herself not missing him for hours at a time. But then she hears his name in conversation, spoken with reverence, or she gets a flash of pain that brings her back to the beach, and Jyn has to remind herself that this is for the best.

Meals among the Alliance are proteins and flavourings, building blocks of food that are cheap to transport and satisfy both physical and mental hunger. Although some people complain loudly at tables adjacent to Jyn’s during meals about the lack of “real” food, she doesn’t mind it. It’s far better than the slop she’d been fed in prison, and she doesn’t want to remember when she’d had real meals with her family.

Jyn eats her meals alone, her table always empty in a sea of humanity. She knows why no one approaches her, the information gifted by too loud whispers or perhaps taken by her own trained skill with listening. Regardless of how she knows, she is aware that the other rebels avoid her out of admiration and fear, in equal parts. She’s of the rebellion now, and they know they should trust her and praise her for her sacrifices, but-

_Rogue One._

The callsign clings to her, with averted eyes and shuffled seats. She had gone against orders, had stolen men and women and others to fight and die with her. She was a wildcard, something they couldn’t begin to understand. So while they appreciate her contributions and some even call her a hero, she isn’t to be approached. That suits Jyn just fine, because the fact is she’s bitterly aware, every day, just how many had died for her. She doesn’t want people following her any more, doesn’t think she could handle more blood on her hands.

Jyn is doing what she does best and listening to the idle gossip around her, sifting through it for information she might actually need, when the chair across from her scrapes on the floor. She looks up from her meal with a start, brows already creasing in confusion, only to come face to face with a ghost. The carefully added flavourings in Jyn’s meal disappear to her perception as she stops chewing her mouthful of food, staring at none other than Captain Cassian Andor. The one person she wants to see the most, and the one who makes her want to run and hide.

He looks far better than he does in Jyn’s memories. He’s not stained with blood, both his and others’, and he actually has something halfway to a smile on his face as he regards her. He looks so incredibly alive, the bacta likely having worked wonders on him, and Jyn can hardly stand to look at him. He’s a supernova, however, and she can’t tear her gaze away even to save the both of them. She can’t do anything, immobilized by her want rearing its ugly head again, and Cassian’s smile slips slightly into uncertainty. She could die for having caused that smile to fade, but she reminds herself it’s for the best.

“The med bots told me you were unavailable,” Cassian breaks the silence, and the already unpalatable food turns to clay in Jyn’s mouth. She doesn’t want to hurt him by admitting that she’d told the bots to do that, couldn’t stand to see his face if she upset him. She swallows a lump of food painfully, and spears another forkful.

“Huh,” Jyn responds, noncommittal and ashamed. She had hoped he would forget about her in his recovery. It would have been so much easier if he had, because face to face she’s forced to feel everything she’s trying not to feel.

“Jyn.” Cassian shifts, seat creaking at the movement, “Are you avoiding me?”

“Yes,” is what Jyn should say, and she knows it. She should be brutal, cut him out entirely. For his benefit, of course, to save him. It would hurt them both, but they would live, and that’s all that matters. But the word catches on the food in her throat, and Jyn takes another bite of her meal to cover it. She chews slowly, trying to think of what to say.

“Things are different,” Jyn says softly to her green vegetable protein, carefully not looking at Cassian. She can’t see his face, but she can imagine it. He had come back for her, and now she’s leaving him. It’s to save him, but he doesn’t know that. Can’t know that, or he would find a way to stay with her, she knows that much.

“Jyn.” There’s emotion in Cassian’s voice that Jyn can’t hear, won’t allow herself to hear, and he reaches towards her hand. She jerks away from the potential contact, standing abruptly.

“I have to go,” she states, still not looking at Cassian, and then turns and walks quickly away. She flexes her hands, trying to feel the tray she carries to the dish deposit, and not the ghost of his hands. That was far too close to real, and Jyn vows to redouble her efforts to avoid Cassian.

When she sleeps that night, Cassian takes her hand, and together they fly through galaxies. The stars never burn them, and moons are soft as clouds.

-

“Well done, Sergeant Erso, you have passed your primary physical evaluation,” Jyn’s physical trainer states as she wipes sweat from her forehead, and she stands somewhat close to attention as she nods her recognition. “There’s just one test left to pass, and we’ll assign you a corp and grant your clearance. Ready to take up your place in the rebellion?”

“Of course, sir.” There’s comfort in the military routines, so Jyn doesn’t mind the titles and the formalities in the Alliance. Plus, in all of her training lessons and failed tests, Jyn’s trainer had proven himself worthy of the respect of “sir”.

“You have one more evaluation, and this one won’t be administered by me. You also can’t fail this one, though, so don’t be too worried.” The trainer’s face remains stoic, but Jyn can see the slight twinkle of teasing in the creases at the corners of his eyes, and she knows he’s referring to all the times she pushed herself for a higher score and ended up failing tests rather than taking a lower pass. She had learned, though, and she doesn’t mind the reference. Better to make light of it, than to obsess and fall harder next time.

“May I ask what it is, sir?” A faint tickle of nerves brushes along Jyn’s spine, but her trainer quickly sets them to rest.

“A spar. One on one, evaluated by your opponent, to see how you fight and where you’ll best fit. Against someone who is ranked for active combat duty, so expect to lose.” 

Jyn nods her head sharply as her trainer walks past her, and he pauses when they’re shoulder to shoulder. “But try to win. I’ve got money riding on this one.”

Jyn looks over just in time to catch a quick wink from him, and then he leaves the training area. Jyn relaxes slightly. She knows she’s in almost as good shape as she has ever been, and she has confidence in herself as a fighter. No matter who she goes up against, she’s confident she can at least prove she’s worthy of their consideration, worthy of the respect of the Alliance. First and foremost in her life, she is a fighter, so this should be easy for her.

She swings her arms casually and bounces on the balls of her feet as she waits for her opponent, keeping her muscles warm and her heartrate just a touch above resting. They’ll likely be coming into this cold, and even though she’s tired from her previous test, she knows that won’t have as much impact on her performance as going from resting will.

The door behind her opens, and Jyn turns to greet her evaluator. The words shrivel in her throat and instead she croaks out one word.

“Cassian?”

She hadn’t seen him since the mess hall, and she had both hoped and feared she’d been strange enough he had forgotten about her. But he walks towards her with a neutral expression, and then past her into the sparring ring, and Jyn’s preparation and hope dies. She follows him hastily.

“Sergeant Erso, you’ve been told what this evaluation is?” His tone is formal, and Jyn nods more out of reflex than anything, her mind still reeling from him showing up. He nods shortly, “Good. Let’s begin.”

Cassian throws the first punch, and Jyn’s arms move independent of her still blank mind to block him. The blow draws her back into the present, and her body thrills with the desire to fight, one want she rarely denies. She can see huge openings in his attacks, and though she aches to, she goes for none of them. Step by step, block by block, Jyn backs her way around the ring beneath the onslaught of Cassian’s attack.

“Come on,” Cassian hisses, and Jyn ignores him as she barely blocks another strike. “Fight back!”

Jyn knows she should, and _god_ she wants to. Wants to prove herself as a fighter, as a rebel. But she knows she can’t, in the way that his walking through the door had shaken her. If being part of the Alliance meant being in contact with Cassian, and that meant _hurting_ Cassian… No, Jyn decides it’s not worth it. She fails to deflect Cassian’s next attack, a throw that lands her on the ground, and she only resists out of instinct as he grabs her wrists and throws his body on top of her.

His weight pinning her to the ground is so close to familiar, it feels almost right. His hands around her wrists remind her of his fingers intertwined with her, the heaving of his chest recalls the feeling of them being pressed so firmly together she could count his heartbeats. And she wants to remember more, wants to have more feelings to know in the future. She wants to know what his breath tastes like, what that smirk on his lips would feel like against hers.

“Come on, Jyn, I know you can do better than that,” Cassian scolds, and Jyn wants to show him he’s right, wants to fight and show that she’s cut out to be by his side in the rebellion. But she also wants him to keep smiling like she knows he can, to be alive enough to smile, so she goes limp on the ground.

“Maybe I can’t,” she huffs as she catches her breath, “maybe I’m not cut out for the Alliance.”

“Bullshit, I’ve seen you fight.” He jerks his chin at her with a slight frown, “You’re better than this.”

“I’m not,” Jyn hisses, laying her head to the side and looking away from him. “I’m not any good.”

“Yes,” Cassian releases one of her wrists to wrap his hand around the back of her head, forcing her to look at him, “You are good, Jyn Erso. You’re better than any of us, you just need to prove it.”

His face is so close to hers, and only the thought of losing him forever keeps her from closing the scant distance. She can deal with the ache in her chest, with the knowledge that she’ll never have him and he’ll probably hate her for it, so long as he lives. 

“I can’t.” She means it to come out biting, a warning and a verbal lash to push him away. But her emotions betray her, choking the word and making it sound like a plea. Cassian’s face softens, and she feels her own resolve softening at the sight of him wanting to help her, of him being so obviously compassionate.

“Why not?” His grip on her head has relaxes, almost comforting rather than commanding, and she could look away from him if she tried. But she doesn’t, doesn't have it in her anymore.

“You almost died.” Jyn closes her eyes hard against the tears that threaten to spill at the thought of it, against the vulnerability of the moment. Cassian’s fingers trail lightly through her hair, an unwelcome comfort. She should push him away, should save him from getting too close to her, but she can’t.

“I almost died many times before I met you, Jyn. You know what was different this time?” Jyn can only shake her head in response, eyes still closed. It’s not real if her eyes are closed, he can’t be hurt by the curse she embodies if she doesn’t look. Cassian continues in a tone so soft her heart aches, “You gave me a chance to live.”

She has to open her eyes at that, to see if he’s telling the truth. When she looks up at him, there’s the most tender and uncertain smile on his lips, and her chest feels as if it’s splitting in two. She wants him, and he wants her, and it terrifies her. Perhaps she had been trying to save herself, all this time, to protect herself from what might happen if the world weren’t ending. From the chance that he would walk away and not come back. 

In that moment, Jyn knows she has a choice. Lie, and take the easy out. Leave the rebellion, leave Cassian behind, keep herself safe. Or she could fight, she could put herself on the line and she could try to keep someone. For once, she has the choice about leaving or not, she would be the one walking away.

When she makes her decision, it clicks into place within her, rightness resonating through her being. It’s a scary road she chooses, but she sets herself firmly upon it with a flick of her ankle, a grip with her free hand, and a quick bodily shove. In a heartbeat, Cassian is pinned solidly beneath her, surprise written across his features, and she looks down at him.

“Well then,” Jyn flicks a stray strand of hair from her face with a jerk of her chin, “I guess we live.”

“It would seem so.” A smile crests on Cassian’s face, the one that he shows so rarely, that Jyn knows she needs to protect. And this time she doesn’t hold herself back.

When she leans down and presses her lips to Cassian’s, it feels as good as her decision to stay has been. It’s a soft kiss at first, lips slightly parted, definitely more than a chaste peck, but hardly. Jyn sighs against his lips, her legs sliding from a pinning lock to a more comfortable straddle, and she can feel Cassian’s sharp inhale of breath. She grins and slides her hands from his wrists up to his hands, threading their fingers together but still keeping his hands pinned above his head. She feels powerful like this, and it’s enough to keep her from the fear of getting what she desires.

Jyn slides her tongue along Cassian’s lips, the ones that spoke of hope to her, wanting more. He obliges with vigor, raising his head slightly from the floor to press into the kiss with parted lips, and Jyn relishes the feeling. She rocks back against Cassian as his teeth graze her lower lip and savours the groan that spills from his mouth. His head falls back against the ground, and Jyn takes a moment to catch her breath.

“Come on, I know you can do better than that,” Jyn teases Cassian with his own words, and the smile that curves his lips is wicked. He squeezes her hands, still holding his above his head.

“Perhaps,” Cassian runs his tongue over his lower lip, and Jyn is helpless but to track the motion with her eyes, “We should move from the training room?”

Jyn remembers where they are and sits up straight in a heartbeat, releasing her grip on Cassian’s hands as she scans the room for anyone else, momentarily mortified. But then Cassian sits up, as much as he can with Jyn still straddling his hips, and his hands grip her waist, thumbs tracing the hem of her shirt, and desire overcomes her embarrassment as he presses his lips to hers again. Her fingers find their way into his hair, and Jyn smiles against Cassian’s lips.

“Perhaps we should,” she whispers into the air between them, breaking their contact and pushing herself to standing. She holds a hand out to Cassian, who looks at her with an expression so awestruck she almost has to look away, before taking it and allowing her to help him to his feet. As soon as he’s standing, they’re kissing again, and Jyn can’t tell which one of them initiated it. She decides it doesn’t matter as his hand smooths over her back.

“I think my quarters are closer,” Cassian mumbles against her lips as they take a stumbling step towards the door out of the training room.

“Good,” Jyn replies, breaking from him as they leave. Cassian doesn’t resist, and Jyn misses the feeling of his hands on her immediately. It won’t do for them to be seen fooling around in the halls like unrestrained recruits, and that’s all that keeps her from pinning Cassian to any one of the walls they pass on the way to his room. They see precious few people, but enough that their restraint is warranted; Jyn sets her jaw firmly and tries to look disinterested as they reach Cassian’s room.

As soon as they’re inside, door firmly closed and locked behind them, Jyn indulges herself in backing Cassian against a wall. Their breath mingles as she traces her hands over his chest, up to his shoulders and back down to the hem of his shirt. He inhales sharply as she runs her hands underneath, over the skin beneath, inching it up and breaking from his lips to look at the flesh she uncovers as she traces her hands upwards. His hands, in turn, slide under the back of her shirt, and Jyn bites at her lower lip.

“Jyn.” Her name is a prayer from his lips, and she chases the taste of it for a moment before pulling away in order to slide his shirt off entirely, a motion he assists her with. His skin is blessedly free from scars, unlike hers. Thanks to the bacta, likely, and she’s grateful there’s no physical reminders of the suffering she’s caused him. The thought, however, stills her hands in their exploration, and Cassian’s hands stroking her back turn in an instant from sexual to comforting as he notices her conflict.

“Jyn?”

“There- You don’t have any scars,” Jyn tries to articulate her emotions, hopes she got enough out for Cassian to understand her the way he sometimes seems to be able to. She’s glad for him, for the reminders he doesn’t have to bear carved into his flesh, but she feels she deserves to be reminded every time she tries to love him.

“Hey.” Cassian grips her chin lightly, making her look at him, “We’re alive. Scars don’t matter.”

When he says it, it means so much more, and Jyn believes it all. That the pain she’s caused doesn’t matter, that his almost dying was okay, that’s it’s all fine because they’re both alive and together right now and that’s all that’s important. She lets herself to believe it and she nods slowly, pressing her lips to Cassian’s again. Her fingers resume their path over his skin, every unblemished inch of it a blessing she’s desperate for. After a moment, he tugs at her shirt, and Jyn allows him to pull it over her head, her training band which binds her breasts conveniently flat following it quickly.

It doesn’t even occur to Jyn to be ashamed of her own scars, of the marks of shrapnel and a life on the run, of the incision on her lower back. Not when Cassian is tracing his fingers over them, kissing the edge of an old knife wound on her shoulder, and leading her towards his bed. She memorizes the feeling of his muscles under her hands as he sits her on the edge of the bed, tugging at her pants until she assists him with removing them.

She fully expects him to follow suit, for the same few minutes of enjoyable hectic entanglement that she’d come to expect from her scant previous partners. But instead, Cassian kneels between her legs, looking up at her as he kisses the inside of her knee, his mouth tracing up her thigh and causing her to suck in a swift breath. He pauses for a moment at her apex, just long enough for Jyn to hold her breath in anticipation, and then he lowers his mouth, dragging his tongue in a firm line within the most intimate part of her.

“Shit,” Jyn curses breathlessly as he flick his tongue across her clit, and she can feel him smile. Jyn is perfectly willing to let him enjoy her reactions as much as he wants, so long as he doesn’t stop.

His movements start slow, the excitement of the new experience burning off and leaving Jyn with an unexpected agony. She’s so close to getting what she wants, what she craves, and yet Cassian continues to repeat his slow licks and deliberate movement between her legs. He feeds the fire within her just enough to keep it burning, and Jyn tangles her hands in his hair in an attempt to encourage him to do more, to move faster.

Cassian responds favourably, his tongue sinking within her and making her crave even more before moving more rapidly to her clit, paying it more fervent attention. Jyn lets out a sigh that turns into a moan as Cassian repeats the process. She encourages him with moans and her hands twisting in his hair, and Cassian responds as she wants, his mouth working cleverly.

“Fuck, Cassian, please,” Jyn begs, loving the new experience, but needing more. She craves the frantic union, the all consuming need for both parties. Cassian raises his head from between her legs and looks up at her, his lips shiny.

“What do you want?” He asks, and Jyn drags him towards her, bending forward to meet his mouth with her own. She can taste herself on his lips, sweat and something other than that, and she finds she doesn’t mind.

“You,” she whispers, their foreheads resting together. Cassian’s hands leave her in order to fumble with the fasteners on his pants, and Jyn kisses him again as he slides them to the ground.

She allows Cassian to lean over her for a moment, pressing her back into the bed, but just a moment. She flips them in a heartbeat, and her heart beats quicker at the way Cassian smiles up at her, his hands finding her hips and tracing up to her ribs. She slides her own from his hands down his arms, following the lines of his shoulders to his chest.

“Do you want me, too?” Jyn asks, because although she knows it, she wants to hear him say it. 

“What kind of a fucking question is that?” Cassian breathes out a laugh, “Of course I do.”

Jyn smiles and leans forward, kissing him once more as she reaches beneath her to grab the base of his cock. She devours his groan at the contact, and moans with him as she sinks back onto him. She moves slowly, easing her way down the length of him and taking a moment to relax once he’s fully within her. Cassian doesn’t seem to mind, his mouth straying from hers to press kisses into her neck as she slowly begins to ride him.

Jyn sets the pace, and it doesn’t remain slow for long. She draws what sound like curses in another language from Cassian as she moves faster, never one for lazy fucks or slow embraces. It’s exactly what she wants, as she rocks her hips against his, taking her pleasure and giving him his at the same time. She takes what she needs from him, her pace increasing as a not-unfamiliar pressure builds in her core, and in the process gives him what he wants.

“Jyn,” Cassian breathes her name, and she presses her lips to his once more, pace near frantic as she chases her climax.

She tastes his lips as she comes, tensing around him. He thrusts shallowly within her as her orgasm washes over her, and within moments, she feels his muscles tense and her name spills from his lips again as he finishes inside of her. _Thank you Alliance birth control_ , a small part of her rational brain whispers, as the rest of her sighs at the rightness of it. At the feeling of his hands on her, his body beneath and within hers, of everything they’ve shared and all they have yet to share.

“Cassian,” Jyn moans his name against his lips, slumping against his chest for a moment before rolling off. She almost gets up to leave before she remembers that she doesn’t have to this time. This isn’t a quick fuck from a bar on some lowlife moon; this is Cassian. His arm wraps around her, at once comforting and terrifying, and Jyn decides she’s too tired to leave anyway.

His lips brush her hair as she rests her head on his shoulder, and Jyn relaxes into his embrace. She almost thinks she could doze off like this, despite the tacky feeling of sweat on her skin and the less than pleasant feeling of fluids between her legs, but then a thought brushes her mind and makes her laugh lightly.

“What?” Cassian asks her, and Jyn looks up at him with a smile, finding him regarding her fondly.

“Do you think I passed my final evaluation, sir?” Jyn teases, and Cassian groans, still smiling. He runs a hand through his hair.

“I told them I could be impartial. I guess that’s no longer quite true, huh?”

Jyn presses a quick kis to his lips, “I hope not.”

“I hope not, too.” Cassian smiles tenderly at her, and Jyn echoes it.

No matter what happens, after she gets evaluated by an impartial soldier and as the rebellion continues their fighting, this is what Jyn knows she’ll be fighting for. At the end of the day, as long as they’re together, that’s all she needs. They could die any day in the rebellion, but avoiding one another won’t save either of them. So for now, they would live, and Jyn finds herself remarkably okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> SO YEAH HOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE HUH
> 
> Anyway, I haven't finished a fic in a long time and haven't written smut in even longer, so here, have this! I am a broken mess over all of Rogue, so the right way to solve that it by writing them boning. Y'all should shoot the flawlessness that is [coldsaturn](http://coldsaturn.tumblr.com) for saving this fic from being a mess in its own right!
> 
> If you want to cry with me [on tumblr](http://jonnmurphy.tumblr.com), that's it a-ok. And thanks in advance for commenting/reading/leaving kudos <3 I'll see y'all in 2017! ((I've got 58 minutes left, hush))


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